I personally think that one of the hardest things to do in life is personal reflection. I have always bottled things up inside and thought to myself about how much I hated my parents, life and people. I was always felt lost and confused and like I did not belong anywhere and no one knew my struggle. Even trying to write this reflection paper I already know my thoughts will be all over the place because mentally I am all over the place and to be honest I just have trouble expressing my feelings.
To explain why I feel this way I feel like I should give some sort of background information. I come from a very mixed family with a very diverse background. My mother was born in Canada but her background is Irish, Polish and Russian. On her side my grandfather is Jewish and my grandmother was born a Protestant but converted to Judaism in order to marry my grandfather. My father on the other hand was born in Trinidad and Tobago. His background is Trinidadian, African, English, Indian and Carib. Both grandparents on that side are firm believers of the Catholic faith. They are not together anymore so that broadens my spectrum of exposure even more as everyone on my grandfather’s side are all with non “black” women. The connection this has to me is that I belong to such different and diverse cultures that I always felt all over the place and that I could not “fit” in anywhere because I had/have no in-depth understanding of any specific culture and I cannot “claim” to be part of any such side.
My parents never really did anything to expose my sister and me to our various backgrounds except talking and taking me to Trinidad and Tobago when I was seven. All throughout elementary school I always said I was Jewish and part black because in Newmarket that was a very rare occurrence and I just felt cool and different. At this stage in my life I just felt that if I kept saying it and talking about it then it was real and I was special. Once I got to high school I kept talking about it because it still made me “cool” especially because it surprised everyone as I don’t look black or anything. Once I started getting to the point where I was trying to figure out who I was I just felt lost, like I was trying to be someone I was not because I did not have any clue of who I was and to be honest I did not know much about any of my backgrounds except what it meant to be “canadian” (at the time-what was forced down our throats).
I was bullied a lot and made fun of and told I was not black and that I looked weird and my hair was not “black” and I was always told what I wasn’t but never guided to learn what I was. My parents were and still are very cold and reserved people who criticise(d) every move I make(d) and are not the type of people I feel comfortable explain all of this too. My sister is six years younger than me and so it was not until recently that I was able to start speaking to her about more mature things but even then, I have no one who understands me or at the time understood me.
Until eleventh grade I really wanted to be a chef. I loved to cook and the exploration of cooking was very appealing. Even though I was really awkward and shy I loved it. Once I started co-op though everything changed. Even though I was not in a fast paced restaurant but rather an old folks home I just knew it was not for me. I am a very instinctive and passive but also an impulsive thinker. What I mean by this is that I think about things for a while but there is always one moment that happens and it is in that instant that I realize what I want to do. I process things over a long time but in a snap instant the truth of what I want comes out to me. One day at co-op I had to cook ninety fried salmon cakes. Being the scaredy cat I was I kept dropping them in from far away and it was just a disaster. The cook instructing me said something which has changed my life forever: “[i]f you can’t do this probably you probably shouldn’t be a chef.” It was in this instant that I realized I wanted to help people. I had no idea how but it was happening.
University was the best and worst thing for me and I owe a lot of who I am to this experience that is almost over. In high school because I lived at home I never got a chance to be the independent and exploring person I was. University exposed me to learn things I never knew and made me realize the world and life in general is a lot more complicated than I thought it was. I met and saw so many different types of people with such vast cultures that I was exposed to a lot of different situations and events. I got to try new food and learn new slang words (language really does take you to another place) and overall I just really saw what else is out there and it made me want more.
On a whim I volunteered for a trip to Bolivia with Habitat for Humanity which my parents disapproved of which was tough at first but if there is one thing I have learned is that you have to live your life for you and no one else. Obviously do not be stupid and reckless but if there is something you want to do go for it and for me that was making a difference in others lives. This trip was the beginning of the end for me! I felt this feeling that was never felt before; I knew what my calling in life was and just seeing what was never taught (the struggle and prevailing of different cultures and life) was amazing. Even though I did not have full support from my family I did want I knew would be beneficial for me and that started to be new motto, along with really contemplating my life actions.
Fast-forward a few years through which I really explored who I was by exploring the world (traveling); doing independent research, school and my everyday life comes summer 2013. While I was in Chicoutimi, Quebec for the explore French immersion program one of my classmates did a presentation on the social work and development he does up in northern Quebec and I also went to a seminar done by a native professor at the university. It was there that I realized my passion and desire to help Aboriginals in Canada. I do not remember who it was but when I was younger and I told someone I wanted to travel the world and help others they asked me how I could go out and do this while there were those in my own country suffering. I have now learned that it is possible to satisfy my desire for traveling through vacations but also visiting other aboriginal communities from around the world and learning and seeing what can be done through various policy revising, lobbying and research.
These past few months have changed me so much it is insane. At the beginning of the summer I saw a “meme” picture on Facebook that said “why take life so seriously no one comes out alive?” and it was like a brick wall hit me. It dawned on me that I was worrying too much about what others thought of me and I was worried about pleasing others. Looking back I realized my life was a build up to this realization but it was in this moment that it all really came to me and I realized what I wanted in life: DO WHAT IS BEST FOR ME AND WHO GIVES A ___(insert inappropriate word here) WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT OF ME! Again, don’t be stupid and reckless but do what I know in my heart is right and what I need to do and everything will lead to where I should be and it all happens for a reason.
From May to June I was in Saskatoon for the explore French immersion program and I met with a few influential people in the aboriginal community and I saw and heard firsthand the horrors of being aboriginal in an urban setting. I mean I always heard about it in Toronto but I was never exposed to it. This experience changed me because I really started getting more of an idea of what I could do with an International Studies degree in the Native Studies field.
On August third I left for a trip that has changed me in ways I cannot even explain. For the longest time I always said I was Jewish but never knew what that meant. Through this program called birthright I was able to travel to Israel and I realized on this trip that even though I am atheist I can still be culturally Jewish. I learned some of the principles that form the core of the Jewish faith. I learned so many rules that I should really abide by (do not disrespect other, be grateful, do not gossip etc.). I was able to look inward to myself and realize that while I was confused about who I was I was now on this trip of being a little less lost and more on a trip of discovery. I learned the story of my ancestors and my people and I realized a lot of what I was taught was crap and learning the truth was a true awakening. It is like I got a chance to look in the peep hole of life and get a chance to remind myself that I need to be more appreciative and not believe everything I hear but try and find the truth for myself. I got a bat mitzvah and got to read a section of the Torah which was awesome and it made me realize that learning our culture is important. It is like we learned in class: education and learning history is key because it always has a way of repeating itself and it gives you a sense of identity.
I could seriously go on forever (not actually but for at least another ten pages) but since I do not want to drag this on any longer I will finish off with one last thing. Mondays are seriously the best day ever because I learn about Aboriginal politics and culture in Canada during the day and more about it (in more of a practical sense) during the evening. During the first week of class when I got a huge introduction to the topic and got to participate in the opening ceremony shut-eye dance it was like a breath of intelligent and knowledge building fresh air was breathed unto me. These two classes and especially this one do not even feel like class but more like preparation for the future because it is like preparation for my future job. Learning that a lot of what I taught in school was bologna is just reinforcing my belief that we must all educate ourselves while also showing me that I really need to re-educate myself. I absolutely love this class and have realized that there is such a deep routed culture and history waiting to be learned and this class only builds my passion for native studies even more. Through these classes I have also learned a lot more about my history, culture and most importantly the TRUTH!
To explain why I feel this way I feel like I should give some sort of background information. I come from a very mixed family with a very diverse background. My mother was born in Canada but her background is Irish, Polish and Russian. On her side my grandfather is Jewish and my grandmother was born a Protestant but converted to Judaism in order to marry my grandfather. My father on the other hand was born in Trinidad and Tobago. His background is Trinidadian, African, English, Indian and Carib. Both grandparents on that side are firm believers of the Catholic faith. They are not together anymore so that broadens my spectrum of exposure even more as everyone on my grandfather’s side are all with non “black” women. The connection this has to me is that I belong to such different and diverse cultures that I always felt all over the place and that I could not “fit” in anywhere because I had/have no in-depth understanding of any specific culture and I cannot “claim” to be part of any such side.
My parents never really did anything to expose my sister and me to our various backgrounds except talking and taking me to Trinidad and Tobago when I was seven. All throughout elementary school I always said I was Jewish and part black because in Newmarket that was a very rare occurrence and I just felt cool and different. At this stage in my life I just felt that if I kept saying it and talking about it then it was real and I was special. Once I got to high school I kept talking about it because it still made me “cool” especially because it surprised everyone as I don’t look black or anything. Once I started getting to the point where I was trying to figure out who I was I just felt lost, like I was trying to be someone I was not because I did not have any clue of who I was and to be honest I did not know much about any of my backgrounds except what it meant to be “canadian” (at the time-what was forced down our throats).
I was bullied a lot and made fun of and told I was not black and that I looked weird and my hair was not “black” and I was always told what I wasn’t but never guided to learn what I was. My parents were and still are very cold and reserved people who criticise(d) every move I make(d) and are not the type of people I feel comfortable explain all of this too. My sister is six years younger than me and so it was not until recently that I was able to start speaking to her about more mature things but even then, I have no one who understands me or at the time understood me.
Until eleventh grade I really wanted to be a chef. I loved to cook and the exploration of cooking was very appealing. Even though I was really awkward and shy I loved it. Once I started co-op though everything changed. Even though I was not in a fast paced restaurant but rather an old folks home I just knew it was not for me. I am a very instinctive and passive but also an impulsive thinker. What I mean by this is that I think about things for a while but there is always one moment that happens and it is in that instant that I realize what I want to do. I process things over a long time but in a snap instant the truth of what I want comes out to me. One day at co-op I had to cook ninety fried salmon cakes. Being the scaredy cat I was I kept dropping them in from far away and it was just a disaster. The cook instructing me said something which has changed my life forever: “[i]f you can’t do this probably you probably shouldn’t be a chef.” It was in this instant that I realized I wanted to help people. I had no idea how but it was happening.
University was the best and worst thing for me and I owe a lot of who I am to this experience that is almost over. In high school because I lived at home I never got a chance to be the independent and exploring person I was. University exposed me to learn things I never knew and made me realize the world and life in general is a lot more complicated than I thought it was. I met and saw so many different types of people with such vast cultures that I was exposed to a lot of different situations and events. I got to try new food and learn new slang words (language really does take you to another place) and overall I just really saw what else is out there and it made me want more.
On a whim I volunteered for a trip to Bolivia with Habitat for Humanity which my parents disapproved of which was tough at first but if there is one thing I have learned is that you have to live your life for you and no one else. Obviously do not be stupid and reckless but if there is something you want to do go for it and for me that was making a difference in others lives. This trip was the beginning of the end for me! I felt this feeling that was never felt before; I knew what my calling in life was and just seeing what was never taught (the struggle and prevailing of different cultures and life) was amazing. Even though I did not have full support from my family I did want I knew would be beneficial for me and that started to be new motto, along with really contemplating my life actions.
Fast-forward a few years through which I really explored who I was by exploring the world (traveling); doing independent research, school and my everyday life comes summer 2013. While I was in Chicoutimi, Quebec for the explore French immersion program one of my classmates did a presentation on the social work and development he does up in northern Quebec and I also went to a seminar done by a native professor at the university. It was there that I realized my passion and desire to help Aboriginals in Canada. I do not remember who it was but when I was younger and I told someone I wanted to travel the world and help others they asked me how I could go out and do this while there were those in my own country suffering. I have now learned that it is possible to satisfy my desire for traveling through vacations but also visiting other aboriginal communities from around the world and learning and seeing what can be done through various policy revising, lobbying and research.
These past few months have changed me so much it is insane. At the beginning of the summer I saw a “meme” picture on Facebook that said “why take life so seriously no one comes out alive?” and it was like a brick wall hit me. It dawned on me that I was worrying too much about what others thought of me and I was worried about pleasing others. Looking back I realized my life was a build up to this realization but it was in this moment that it all really came to me and I realized what I wanted in life: DO WHAT IS BEST FOR ME AND WHO GIVES A ___(insert inappropriate word here) WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT OF ME! Again, don’t be stupid and reckless but do what I know in my heart is right and what I need to do and everything will lead to where I should be and it all happens for a reason.
From May to June I was in Saskatoon for the explore French immersion program and I met with a few influential people in the aboriginal community and I saw and heard firsthand the horrors of being aboriginal in an urban setting. I mean I always heard about it in Toronto but I was never exposed to it. This experience changed me because I really started getting more of an idea of what I could do with an International Studies degree in the Native Studies field.
On August third I left for a trip that has changed me in ways I cannot even explain. For the longest time I always said I was Jewish but never knew what that meant. Through this program called birthright I was able to travel to Israel and I realized on this trip that even though I am atheist I can still be culturally Jewish. I learned some of the principles that form the core of the Jewish faith. I learned so many rules that I should really abide by (do not disrespect other, be grateful, do not gossip etc.). I was able to look inward to myself and realize that while I was confused about who I was I was now on this trip of being a little less lost and more on a trip of discovery. I learned the story of my ancestors and my people and I realized a lot of what I was taught was crap and learning the truth was a true awakening. It is like I got a chance to look in the peep hole of life and get a chance to remind myself that I need to be more appreciative and not believe everything I hear but try and find the truth for myself. I got a bat mitzvah and got to read a section of the Torah which was awesome and it made me realize that learning our culture is important. It is like we learned in class: education and learning history is key because it always has a way of repeating itself and it gives you a sense of identity.
I could seriously go on forever (not actually but for at least another ten pages) but since I do not want to drag this on any longer I will finish off with one last thing. Mondays are seriously the best day ever because I learn about Aboriginal politics and culture in Canada during the day and more about it (in more of a practical sense) during the evening. During the first week of class when I got a huge introduction to the topic and got to participate in the opening ceremony shut-eye dance it was like a breath of intelligent and knowledge building fresh air was breathed unto me. These two classes and especially this one do not even feel like class but more like preparation for the future because it is like preparation for my future job. Learning that a lot of what I taught in school was bologna is just reinforcing my belief that we must all educate ourselves while also showing me that I really need to re-educate myself. I absolutely love this class and have realized that there is such a deep routed culture and history waiting to be learned and this class only builds my passion for native studies even more. Through these classes I have also learned a lot more about my history, culture and most importantly the TRUTH!